everyone has good days. once in a while (though, for me, more often than not), we have bad days. and then we get those days, which, they're either really bad, or really bah, that we just have to breathe through them and wait until it's all safe and we're ready for the next kind of day life decides to toss our way.
recently, "bad days" has been topping the charts, followed by "bah days", and "good days" comes in last. it's very frustrating to realize, that at this young, twenty-something age of mine, my bad+bah days outnumber my good days, when all around me, other twenty-somethings are partying and traveling and living it up, so to speak. if they're not getting the most out of life (i.e. their parents' huge bank accounts), they're getting the most out of their jobs, working in multinational companies and making more in a month than i do in a quarter, starting up businesses and earning more than i do in a year.
so yes, my bad days and bah days are a side effect of the huge bitterness i carry in my heart, because so far, i can only dream of becoming the next big thing, while they all already are.
not to worry though - i have become so accustomed to harboring bitterness and ill feelings that we have developed sort of a symbiotic relationship - i provide them a safe home, where they can be sure they won't be sent away any time soon, and they provide me with a ready scapegoat for my brooding-ness (if there is such a word), an excuse for my angst, and, on the brighter side of things, a certain drive that i don't get anywhere else but from them.
if there's anything good i get from all this heavy burden, it's that i want to prove everyone how great i can be. no, not good, and not just amazing, but great.
but i have to be honest, it's a bit hard to go about life feeling eternally heavy (and not just because of the few extra pounds i desperately need to lose). i look forward to the days when everything's just bright and wonderful and not a care in the world can shake me.
as of now though, all i can afford for a functioning drive to greatness are these things that make me feel so weighed down and in the dumps. i guess it's a good thing that i've always been the "delayed-gratification" kind of person.
today was a bad day, by the way.
yeah.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
losing number 40
tonight, despite my endless rants on how miserable my current situation is and how nobody can have it any worse than i do, i was given a golden moment where i saw, not just a glimmer, but a great big shining beacon of hope.
i lost the number 40. that small laminated piece of paper with a number on it that you get to safeguard while the baggage counter in the grocery store safeguards your black bag with the purple and green dolphins where you had to put your beloved water container. i lost it.
if you know me, you know that's not something that usually happens to me. but tonight it did, and i was so overwhelmed by fear (if someone else claims my things i'll never see my dolphins again), guilt (oh no they're going have to have another number 40 made) and utter disappointment in myself (such irresponsibility).
i didn't even know it was the number 40 until the man in the black shirt told me, very patiently, as dee and i stormed the baggage counter with raised voices and panicky faces. he was very kind. i thought he was going to test me on what the baggage was, what was in it, yadayada. but he was very calm, and sympathetic, and very understanding, and all he did was get my bag, put it in another spot, and hand me a new number. this time it was number 44 and i kept it snug inside my wallet and inside my bag.
the fee for a lost number was only P50 (which they said i could pay later), which was a sigh of relief in itself, as i did not have to sacrifice my dinner, which i had been looking forward to all afternoon. still the guilt was endlessly gnawing at me for having lost the laminated blue piece of paper with the number 40 on it.
my P50 never made it out of my wallet, as the guy who was at the baggage counter told me that black shirt man said it was all okay. i insisted, of course, as the guilt was now ever gnawing at my insides, but, after speaking to black shirt man, he said he believed it to be an accident, and that it was okay, and wished me a good evening. i thanked him and left, with a surprisingly light heart that drowned out the gnawing guilt and all the frustrations of the day.
i could have easily afforded the fifty bucks, and he could have just accepted it and i could have left with no feelings of guilt whatsoever. but he chose to send me off, nonethepoorer, with some guilt left, but with a much needed boost.
in not making me pay P50, black shirt man taught me that there are still people who readily trust other people, even if they lose numbers. he also showed me that money isn't everything, and that numbers can easily be replaced. and more importantly, he gave me hope that my much ridiculed idealism is not such a crazy thing to aspire for, and that i should just continue to work towards that, because there are people like him. no matter how rare, they exist, and contribute to making the world a better place. at least to those few who experience terrible days and lose number 40's along the way.
i do not know him at all for me to pass a judgment on him. but i appreciated the simple act he did for me and would like to write of it to preserve it my memory - as a reminder, that the simple things we do may mean mountains to other people.
mr. boy samson, i thank you for trusting, for understanding, for still allowing my stuff to be kept safe, and for not taking my P50. you saved me so much more than just the money. i am deeply grateful for that. and i am terribly sorry about losing number 40. i did, however, return number 44 safe and sound.
p.s. i hope someone returns number 40, if they find it.
here's to a renewed sense of spirit, and to looking forward to more days like this.
i lost the number 40. that small laminated piece of paper with a number on it that you get to safeguard while the baggage counter in the grocery store safeguards your black bag with the purple and green dolphins where you had to put your beloved water container. i lost it.
if you know me, you know that's not something that usually happens to me. but tonight it did, and i was so overwhelmed by fear (if someone else claims my things i'll never see my dolphins again), guilt (oh no they're going have to have another number 40 made) and utter disappointment in myself (such irresponsibility).
i didn't even know it was the number 40 until the man in the black shirt told me, very patiently, as dee and i stormed the baggage counter with raised voices and panicky faces. he was very kind. i thought he was going to test me on what the baggage was, what was in it, yadayada. but he was very calm, and sympathetic, and very understanding, and all he did was get my bag, put it in another spot, and hand me a new number. this time it was number 44 and i kept it snug inside my wallet and inside my bag.
the fee for a lost number was only P50 (which they said i could pay later), which was a sigh of relief in itself, as i did not have to sacrifice my dinner, which i had been looking forward to all afternoon. still the guilt was endlessly gnawing at me for having lost the laminated blue piece of paper with the number 40 on it.
my P50 never made it out of my wallet, as the guy who was at the baggage counter told me that black shirt man said it was all okay. i insisted, of course, as the guilt was now ever gnawing at my insides, but, after speaking to black shirt man, he said he believed it to be an accident, and that it was okay, and wished me a good evening. i thanked him and left, with a surprisingly light heart that drowned out the gnawing guilt and all the frustrations of the day.
i could have easily afforded the fifty bucks, and he could have just accepted it and i could have left with no feelings of guilt whatsoever. but he chose to send me off, nonethepoorer, with some guilt left, but with a much needed boost.
in not making me pay P50, black shirt man taught me that there are still people who readily trust other people, even if they lose numbers. he also showed me that money isn't everything, and that numbers can easily be replaced. and more importantly, he gave me hope that my much ridiculed idealism is not such a crazy thing to aspire for, and that i should just continue to work towards that, because there are people like him. no matter how rare, they exist, and contribute to making the world a better place. at least to those few who experience terrible days and lose number 40's along the way.
i do not know him at all for me to pass a judgment on him. but i appreciated the simple act he did for me and would like to write of it to preserve it my memory - as a reminder, that the simple things we do may mean mountains to other people.
mr. boy samson, i thank you for trusting, for understanding, for still allowing my stuff to be kept safe, and for not taking my P50. you saved me so much more than just the money. i am deeply grateful for that. and i am terribly sorry about losing number 40. i did, however, return number 44 safe and sound.
p.s. i hope someone returns number 40, if they find it.
here's to a renewed sense of spirit, and to looking forward to more days like this.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
GOALS
i told dee yesterday that i have this big, BIG feeling that i will become famous.
HAHA.
yes. even after all the shit i've found myself in, my dreams of becoming the next big thing appear to not have even dampened or wilted, contrary to what i so thought a few months ago.
i guess i've realized i just need a few more goals to drive at. the past few months were a tough bunch and i really did struggle to get by them. i've been having so many rough patches lately that i'm beginning to forget what the smooth road feels like, especially since every new rough patch leaves an unforgettable mark on my ass.
be that as it may, i have now started making goals for myself again.
benito (my laptop) 's untimely passing on left me a lot more incapacitated than i thought. i haven't been able to use CAD as much, or photoshop my face, check my emails, play on facebook and google silly things. i also havent been able to do research, organize my thoughts, or look for inspiration in the form of josh duhamel.
i've come to accept the fact that my parents wont be giving me anything more than food and lodging from this point on, which is fine, if i had a job that paid well, but i dont, so that pretty much means i have to work my ass of to get a benito jr. which i will need to get my life back and introduce order and a sense of fulfillment to my now chaotic and monotonous existence.
still though, if there's anything i've learned these past few months, it's that you just gotta make it work until you can afford to lose it/replace it/break it/say "in your face" to it.
and that's where goal setting has come in handy for me.
it feels nice to be driving at something. it feels weird to be driving at something with no assurance of anything when you get there, but sometimes, just being out driving is kinda enough already.
at least until you can afford a helluva lot of gas and drive to wherever you wanna go.
but for now, i'm fine right here. soon enough the road will be smooth again and i'm pretty sure my ass will be just fine.
and after that, i'll be famous.
HAHA.
HAHA.
yes. even after all the shit i've found myself in, my dreams of becoming the next big thing appear to not have even dampened or wilted, contrary to what i so thought a few months ago.
i guess i've realized i just need a few more goals to drive at. the past few months were a tough bunch and i really did struggle to get by them. i've been having so many rough patches lately that i'm beginning to forget what the smooth road feels like, especially since every new rough patch leaves an unforgettable mark on my ass.
be that as it may, i have now started making goals for myself again.
benito (my laptop) 's untimely passing on left me a lot more incapacitated than i thought. i haven't been able to use CAD as much, or photoshop my face, check my emails, play on facebook and google silly things. i also havent been able to do research, organize my thoughts, or look for inspiration in the form of josh duhamel.
i've come to accept the fact that my parents wont be giving me anything more than food and lodging from this point on, which is fine, if i had a job that paid well, but i dont, so that pretty much means i have to work my ass of to get a benito jr. which i will need to get my life back and introduce order and a sense of fulfillment to my now chaotic and monotonous existence.
still though, if there's anything i've learned these past few months, it's that you just gotta make it work until you can afford to lose it/replace it/break it/say "in your face" to it.
and that's where goal setting has come in handy for me.
it feels nice to be driving at something. it feels weird to be driving at something with no assurance of anything when you get there, but sometimes, just being out driving is kinda enough already.
at least until you can afford a helluva lot of gas and drive to wherever you wanna go.
but for now, i'm fine right here. soon enough the road will be smooth again and i'm pretty sure my ass will be just fine.
and after that, i'll be famous.
HAHA.
Monday, July 13, 2009
choices.
there are some choices that are easy to make. some not so, and some so completely and totally hard that you will spend so many sleepless nights and waste so many hours just trying to make up your mind and convincing yourself that what you're choosing is indeed the right choice.
what-ifs and if-onlys will always be around. no matter what you choose, you can never escape a certain amount of regret and a few ounces of wishfullness over the choice that you had to let go.
choices.
why the hell are there so many of them?
what-ifs and if-onlys will always be around. no matter what you choose, you can never escape a certain amount of regret and a few ounces of wishfullness over the choice that you had to let go.
choices.
why the hell are there so many of them?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
i have no POWER
when a crane accidentally drops things on moving cars and power lines that cut electricity in nearby buildings, it has to be expected that certain things - especially things that require technological gadgets such as computers, printers, scanners, etc. - cannot be done.
and it also has to be accepted that no matter how freaking smart i am or how terribly resourceful i can be, that i have no POWER, and that i cannot just find that and pick it up under the table or on the street or even in the nearby mall and make it possible for a PC to work. because i cannot just magic files into existence. i am still just human.
and no matter what suggestions are made, like dismantling the CPU (and possibly damaging the entire system) or drawing things freehand (all in a matter of 20minutes) or serving OT (til late without assurance that the power will come back) --- sometimes, it is just better to accept that certain things are out of our control.
that is one major thing, i know now, that makes me want to say yes to other opportunities despite the risks i may have to take.
this is weird coming from someone as egoistic as me, but please. learn some humility. not every effin' thing can go your way.
especially if your way is the disorganized, no-sense-of-urgency-or-concept-of-planning-ahead-by-even-the-simple-act-of-buying-a-UPS kind of way.
SERIOUSLY.
and it also has to be accepted that no matter how freaking smart i am or how terribly resourceful i can be, that i have no POWER, and that i cannot just find that and pick it up under the table or on the street or even in the nearby mall and make it possible for a PC to work. because i cannot just magic files into existence. i am still just human.
and no matter what suggestions are made, like dismantling the CPU (and possibly damaging the entire system) or drawing things freehand (all in a matter of 20minutes) or serving OT (til late without assurance that the power will come back) --- sometimes, it is just better to accept that certain things are out of our control.
that is one major thing, i know now, that makes me want to say yes to other opportunities despite the risks i may have to take.
this is weird coming from someone as egoistic as me, but please. learn some humility. not every effin' thing can go your way.
especially if your way is the disorganized, no-sense-of-urgency-or-concept-of-planning-ahead-by-even-the-simple-act-of-buying-a-UPS kind of way.
SERIOUSLY.
Friday, June 26, 2009
blah.
right now all i really want to do is cry.
when things get really frustrating and you find yourself caught right smack in the middle, its just so extremely hopeless all that's left to do is cry.
and yet you can't because you're too tired.
and then you remember how things aren't how you want them to be in the first place, so you get all the more frustrated.
i hate bad days.
when things get really frustrating and you find yourself caught right smack in the middle, its just so extremely hopeless all that's left to do is cry.
and yet you can't because you're too tired.
and then you remember how things aren't how you want them to be in the first place, so you get all the more frustrated.
i hate bad days.
Friday, June 19, 2009
two steps behind
i've had this song stuck in my head since this morning when dad dropped me off for work. its currently playing on my itunes now, and im looking forward to singing along during the chorus.
it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around
i'll be two steps behind
this blog post though, unlike the song, has nothing to do with lovers being supportive or whatever the hell the lyrics are saying. two steps behind speaks to me in a very different sense. indeed.
firstly, i am two steps behind in reaching for my dreams. that's enough said. it's just so extremely frustrating (one, because i cant see my dreams coming true anytime soon, and two, because i have this sinking feeling that the reason i cant see them ahead is because i've lost sight of what they are) that i just dont want to talk about it.
secondly, i think that humanity (and by humanity i am specifically referring to some people in the office, but it would be rude to refer only to them so i am speaking of humanity here. sorry everyone else.) is two steps behind the way they're supposed to be thinking. i dont get why some people are so extremely pointless i see no significance that they have to exist in my perfectly functioning sphere of a comfortable and sensible life.
yes i am on a rant mode, obviously. the pms is kind of starting a bit early, yes yes yes.
thirdly, trying to pull off cheap lame ass pick up lines and shit is so totally two steps behind. get a life and grow up.
-lost momentum. anyway its safe to say im too pissed anuway. goodnight world.-
it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around
i'll be two steps behind
this blog post though, unlike the song, has nothing to do with lovers being supportive or whatever the hell the lyrics are saying. two steps behind speaks to me in a very different sense. indeed.
firstly, i am two steps behind in reaching for my dreams. that's enough said. it's just so extremely frustrating (one, because i cant see my dreams coming true anytime soon, and two, because i have this sinking feeling that the reason i cant see them ahead is because i've lost sight of what they are) that i just dont want to talk about it.
secondly, i think that humanity (and by humanity i am specifically referring to some people in the office, but it would be rude to refer only to them so i am speaking of humanity here. sorry everyone else.) is two steps behind the way they're supposed to be thinking. i dont get why some people are so extremely pointless i see no significance that they have to exist in my perfectly functioning sphere of a comfortable and sensible life.
yes i am on a rant mode, obviously. the pms is kind of starting a bit early, yes yes yes.
thirdly, trying to pull off cheap lame ass pick up lines and shit is so totally two steps behind. get a life and grow up.
-lost momentum. anyway its safe to say im too pissed anuway. goodnight world.-
Sunday, June 14, 2009
hooray for the weekend that was
after what seems like a million friggin years, i was reunited with my element. the beach.
it's been so long since i went wrinkly from submerging myself too much in the pool, or my eyes aching from too much chlorine, or feeling extremely awkward in a swimsuit. i've always had my excuses, which ranged from tiredness, having better things to do, to be being allergic to chlorinated water, of which i'm not. anyway, this weekend i had nothing but welcoming thoughts of feeling the sand on my feet and the huge waves in my face, with the taste of the salt water lingering on my tongue.
and what a much needed blast of positivity it brought me! for a few days i was able to forget about how miserable i am with my job, how badly i want to strangle certain people, and how frustrating it is that my dreams are miles and miles and miles away from my grasp.
and indeed it has changed so many things, from how i see my friends to how i want to view life, to how i want to always have a nice place to retreat to if ever i feel the need to refresh myself again.
to prevent myself from divulging cheesey realizations and other things, i will cut my story short to say only that i realized that i have a lot of time ahead of me. for once in my life i should just take things easy and go with the flow.
and hopefully more long weekends with planned getaways are coming. :P
thank god for good friends, good food, and a whole lot of love. ^_^
it's been so long since i went wrinkly from submerging myself too much in the pool, or my eyes aching from too much chlorine, or feeling extremely awkward in a swimsuit. i've always had my excuses, which ranged from tiredness, having better things to do, to be being allergic to chlorinated water, of which i'm not. anyway, this weekend i had nothing but welcoming thoughts of feeling the sand on my feet and the huge waves in my face, with the taste of the salt water lingering on my tongue.
and what a much needed blast of positivity it brought me! for a few days i was able to forget about how miserable i am with my job, how badly i want to strangle certain people, and how frustrating it is that my dreams are miles and miles and miles away from my grasp.
and indeed it has changed so many things, from how i see my friends to how i want to view life, to how i want to always have a nice place to retreat to if ever i feel the need to refresh myself again.
to prevent myself from divulging cheesey realizations and other things, i will cut my story short to say only that i realized that i have a lot of time ahead of me. for once in my life i should just take things easy and go with the flow.
and hopefully more long weekends with planned getaways are coming. :P
thank god for good friends, good food, and a whole lot of love. ^_^
Saturday, May 23, 2009
to be or not be. indeed the question.
"to be or not to be. that is the question."
countless times i've heard it, a few times read it myself. shakespeare, to the simple minded, such as i, more often that not makes no sense at all, unless i exert a bit more effort to actually decipher what he wants to say. and so, ever since high school, hamlet's famous lines have also been reduced to a mere statement in a weird soliloquoy to me.
tonight though, after a good solid cry on dee's ever present shoulder, i realized that to be or not to be is indeed the question.
and so my plans of world domination by way of becoming the next big thing looks to be dimmer and so far away that it once was.
and until i answer it, to be or not to be remains the question i would do just about anything to get out of my head.
no wonder hamlet went all weird.
countless times i've heard it, a few times read it myself. shakespeare, to the simple minded, such as i, more often that not makes no sense at all, unless i exert a bit more effort to actually decipher what he wants to say. and so, ever since high school, hamlet's famous lines have also been reduced to a mere statement in a weird soliloquoy to me.
tonight though, after a good solid cry on dee's ever present shoulder, i realized that to be or not to be is indeed the question.
and so my plans of world domination by way of becoming the next big thing looks to be dimmer and so far away that it once was.
and until i answer it, to be or not to be remains the question i would do just about anything to get out of my head.
no wonder hamlet went all weird.
Monday, May 18, 2009
the inevitable hormonal blog
i will start this blog by automatically creating a scapegoat for what the following entry might contain, as this blog is going to be written in a highly spiteful and irritated mood, owing, most probably, to the fact that i have my period.
so, if what comes next is too heavy or destructive or angry or evil, blame it on all the raging hormones that the female species apparently has a lot more of.
i have actually just decided to blame my hormones for everything that's happening in my life at this very moment.
i blame my hormones for my highly and increasingly violent mood swings, for my short temper and my prejudice against all stupid people.
i blame my hormones for the crying bouts i have to try my best to fight back because they occur in the office and in front of everyone else, and if i cant conceal them anymore, i hide them through fake coughing fits and fake allergic reactions.
i blame my hormones for the pain i feel in my abdomen, the now never-ceasing migraine, the knee pain and the back aches i get from sleeping on the floor instead of on my bed. i found out something about myself recently: i dont sleep on my bed when i'm uneasy. and its been a few weeks since i've seen that bed of mine, and i've been missing it, but im not ready to go back and sleep in it yet. so i blame my hormones for that too.
i also blame my hormones for my possibly extreme superiority complex. my problem with authority. my suicidal tendencies. my obssessive compulsiveness, my sudden urges to bang my head on the wall, my desire to shave someone's hair off, and most especially, for my itching need/want/desire/mission to take someone by the shoulders, shake them up and make them realize they're stupid.
i blame my hormones for making me decide to take this job i waited for four months for, even though there were countless foreshadowing hints and warnings flashing along the way. i blame my hormones for blinding me. for making me feel that this was it.
because it's not.
i have no idea how to make people understand how i just know that something isnt right for me.
take for example driving.
when i was in high school i was sure i was born to drive. when i first held that wheel and stepped my foot on the clutch and used the stick shift, automatically i knew - NAH. i wasn't going to drive. but i kept with it, even if it never caught on. and until driving is reduced to a push-button command sort of activity, i will never ever drive. yes. i knew i didn't want to drive the minute i tried it. of course i didnt admit that. and of course i wont admit i enjoy commuting and riding the train and using public transportation.
dee told me it was too much my thing to go and try whatever just to be able to say i tried it. i think its too much my thing to be blinded by the idealisms of this world. i hope and pray and earnestly wish that they would hold true if i remained good and kind and did my best in everything. supposedly the world will reward you. but so far the world has been flinging test after test after test at me and i am now reduced to a self-pitying, low wage earning, bottom of the food chain slave girl. it sucks that in a few years i can officially become a "never was".
and so instead of saying i am an extremely self-aware person and i just know when something's wrong in my life, and that i know myself, and my capacities/limitations and when and where i'm sure i'll just snap, i will just...
Blame it on the hormones.
i also blame my hormones for making me link this blog to my mother who, i am sure, will link it to my father. and they, who are perhaps two of the most clueless people in the world about me and my feelings, are the only people who can help. (how? i have no idea.)
because at this point i'm just going to keep blaming my hormones, or else i will never stop crying and i will die young of depression and repression and harbored ill feelings and resentment.
see? this blog is too hormonal.
jeez.
so, if what comes next is too heavy or destructive or angry or evil, blame it on all the raging hormones that the female species apparently has a lot more of.
i have actually just decided to blame my hormones for everything that's happening in my life at this very moment.
i blame my hormones for my highly and increasingly violent mood swings, for my short temper and my prejudice against all stupid people.
i blame my hormones for the crying bouts i have to try my best to fight back because they occur in the office and in front of everyone else, and if i cant conceal them anymore, i hide them through fake coughing fits and fake allergic reactions.
i blame my hormones for the pain i feel in my abdomen, the now never-ceasing migraine, the knee pain and the back aches i get from sleeping on the floor instead of on my bed. i found out something about myself recently: i dont sleep on my bed when i'm uneasy. and its been a few weeks since i've seen that bed of mine, and i've been missing it, but im not ready to go back and sleep in it yet. so i blame my hormones for that too.
i also blame my hormones for my possibly extreme superiority complex. my problem with authority. my suicidal tendencies. my obssessive compulsiveness, my sudden urges to bang my head on the wall, my desire to shave someone's hair off, and most especially, for my itching need/want/desire/mission to take someone by the shoulders, shake them up and make them realize they're stupid.
i blame my hormones for making me decide to take this job i waited for four months for, even though there were countless foreshadowing hints and warnings flashing along the way. i blame my hormones for blinding me. for making me feel that this was it.
because it's not.
i have no idea how to make people understand how i just know that something isnt right for me.
take for example driving.
when i was in high school i was sure i was born to drive. when i first held that wheel and stepped my foot on the clutch and used the stick shift, automatically i knew - NAH. i wasn't going to drive. but i kept with it, even if it never caught on. and until driving is reduced to a push-button command sort of activity, i will never ever drive. yes. i knew i didn't want to drive the minute i tried it. of course i didnt admit that. and of course i wont admit i enjoy commuting and riding the train and using public transportation.
dee told me it was too much my thing to go and try whatever just to be able to say i tried it. i think its too much my thing to be blinded by the idealisms of this world. i hope and pray and earnestly wish that they would hold true if i remained good and kind and did my best in everything. supposedly the world will reward you. but so far the world has been flinging test after test after test at me and i am now reduced to a self-pitying, low wage earning, bottom of the food chain slave girl. it sucks that in a few years i can officially become a "never was".
and so instead of saying i am an extremely self-aware person and i just know when something's wrong in my life, and that i know myself, and my capacities/limitations and when and where i'm sure i'll just snap, i will just...
Blame it on the hormones.
i also blame my hormones for making me link this blog to my mother who, i am sure, will link it to my father. and they, who are perhaps two of the most clueless people in the world about me and my feelings, are the only people who can help. (how? i have no idea.)
because at this point i'm just going to keep blaming my hormones, or else i will never stop crying and i will die young of depression and repression and harbored ill feelings and resentment.
see? this blog is too hormonal.
jeez.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
and so i had starbucks again.
and it felt so different.
dee's been asking me to go grab a cup of starbucks with her but i've been putting it off. i told her that going to starbucks has become a bit symbolic for me. and, well, since i'm almost practically broke, i'd rather buy clothes and shoes than spend so much on a cup of coffee and a doughnut.
yesterday we went to starbucks because ledz and i had to discuss some things. and it felt completely different.
for a very long time i've been craving for a starbucks frappucino. just because. or probably mostly since i've been binge eating and shopping out of sheer frustration these past few days. anyway, since yesterday was a particularly cold day, i opted for a cappuccino, which i also like, and what seemed suitable at the moment.
dee bought a dark mocha frap, which, when i got a sip of, suddenly made me think back and semi-regret my decision of getting a hot beverage. that in this case was mostly foam than coffee. which would've probably made some people happy, but i'd rather get more of the coffee than the foam. but i like their cappuccino anyway, and an additional two packets of brown sugar made it just right for my taste.
sometimes we want things so bad we'd do just about anything to get it. we exert effort, we wait, we spend money, we invest time, things like that. but later on, only to find out that when you're already there, everything is just different. it's not as perfect as you pictured it to be, not as wonderful as it seemed, not as worth all the time and effort you put into it. and suddenly you realize that you're full of what-if's and if-only's about how you could've done something more productive, how you could've waited for something bigger, how you could've saved all that cash, and how much more you could've done with your time.
i realized just now that when i got my cappuccino my first thought was "ay, kalahati lang" with reference to the amount of coffee in the cup, but not the foam.
at least i still see it as a half-full cup, and not a half-empty one.
it's just that sometimes, it's so hard to ignore the fact that your cup looks so empty especially when the foam has settled down. and since your friends have cups that look and feel heavier and a lot more full than yours.
this point in my life can be summarized in that one (half) cup of cappuccino i had yesterday.
probably why i bought that instead of a frap. for some realizations and another blog entry. and to save a good forty bucks.
dee's been asking me to go grab a cup of starbucks with her but i've been putting it off. i told her that going to starbucks has become a bit symbolic for me. and, well, since i'm almost practically broke, i'd rather buy clothes and shoes than spend so much on a cup of coffee and a doughnut.
yesterday we went to starbucks because ledz and i had to discuss some things. and it felt completely different.
for a very long time i've been craving for a starbucks frappucino. just because. or probably mostly since i've been binge eating and shopping out of sheer frustration these past few days. anyway, since yesterday was a particularly cold day, i opted for a cappuccino, which i also like, and what seemed suitable at the moment.
dee bought a dark mocha frap, which, when i got a sip of, suddenly made me think back and semi-regret my decision of getting a hot beverage. that in this case was mostly foam than coffee. which would've probably made some people happy, but i'd rather get more of the coffee than the foam. but i like their cappuccino anyway, and an additional two packets of brown sugar made it just right for my taste.
sometimes we want things so bad we'd do just about anything to get it. we exert effort, we wait, we spend money, we invest time, things like that. but later on, only to find out that when you're already there, everything is just different. it's not as perfect as you pictured it to be, not as wonderful as it seemed, not as worth all the time and effort you put into it. and suddenly you realize that you're full of what-if's and if-only's about how you could've done something more productive, how you could've waited for something bigger, how you could've saved all that cash, and how much more you could've done with your time.
i realized just now that when i got my cappuccino my first thought was "ay, kalahati lang" with reference to the amount of coffee in the cup, but not the foam.
at least i still see it as a half-full cup, and not a half-empty one.
it's just that sometimes, it's so hard to ignore the fact that your cup looks so empty especially when the foam has settled down. and since your friends have cups that look and feel heavier and a lot more full than yours.
this point in my life can be summarized in that one (half) cup of cappuccino i had yesterday.
probably why i bought that instead of a frap. for some realizations and another blog entry. and to save a good forty bucks.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
anxiety attacks
i'm feeling a little too anxious about so many things. dee says i'm just being too bitchy about it. i appreciate her honesty and her staying up late to hear my endless rants and her never ending efforts to make me see the brighter side. it's just that sometimes, my mind won't listen to anything else once it's gotten a grasp of whatever it needs to get a hold of.
that's a bad thing, i guess. ultimately it means i'm too much of a bitch.
one thing i get totally ticked off about is how common sense can be so uncommon. how supposedly highly intelligent and overly capable people more often than not don't even have it. how decisions are made without common sense, and how so many problems and complications could have been avoided and how the world would be so much MUCH better if people just used their common sense.
but apparently that's asking just a little bit too much. and right now, all i can do is just deal.
and cook dinner and take a bath and eat dinner and rest.
and hope that the anxiety will be a little bit better and not too unsettling in the morning.
gah.
that's a bad thing, i guess. ultimately it means i'm too much of a bitch.
one thing i get totally ticked off about is how common sense can be so uncommon. how supposedly highly intelligent and overly capable people more often than not don't even have it. how decisions are made without common sense, and how so many problems and complications could have been avoided and how the world would be so much MUCH better if people just used their common sense.
but apparently that's asking just a little bit too much. and right now, all i can do is just deal.
and cook dinner and take a bath and eat dinner and rest.
and hope that the anxiety will be a little bit better and not too unsettling in the morning.
gah.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
change yet again.
dee and i barely talk these days. we'd usually plan sleepovers but she ends up sleeping before i get to talk, and i'm usually too tired to talk anyway. so lately i have no outlet of all the pent up frustration i have inside me.
these past few weeks i've been up all night trying to make everything fit, as usual. i always have a plan. always always. i can't ever have a go at something without knowing what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct damage control. yes, i am a control freak, thank you very much.
anyway this is all new to me, and the pieces of the puzzle dont exactly fit together. and that's total panic mode for someone who gets as obsessive compulsive as me.
so today dee and i went shopping. and tomorrow i want to sleep over at her place and not make her sleep until i've poured this all out.
i told dee how starbucks has become such a luxury to me these days. i havent had a cup of their overpriced coffee or a whiff of the intoxicating aroma in at least two months. for someone who used to drink a tall capuccino every morning, two months is a pretty long time. dee keeps offering to get a cup of coffee there but i'd rather not.
oh life. sometimes i get too friggin tired of it.
oh and can someone tell me why is it that money makes the effin world go round??? why not love, or hair, or ability to power shop?
i am so freakin frustrated and outta my wits it's painful to read the things i write.
GOD I HATE THIS.
these past few weeks i've been up all night trying to make everything fit, as usual. i always have a plan. always always. i can't ever have a go at something without knowing what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct damage control. yes, i am a control freak, thank you very much.
anyway this is all new to me, and the pieces of the puzzle dont exactly fit together. and that's total panic mode for someone who gets as obsessive compulsive as me.
so today dee and i went shopping. and tomorrow i want to sleep over at her place and not make her sleep until i've poured this all out.
i told dee how starbucks has become such a luxury to me these days. i havent had a cup of their overpriced coffee or a whiff of the intoxicating aroma in at least two months. for someone who used to drink a tall capuccino every morning, two months is a pretty long time. dee keeps offering to get a cup of coffee there but i'd rather not.
the current state of my plans to become the next big thing:
totally confused and therefore kinda screwed.
oh life. sometimes i get too friggin tired of it.
oh and can someone tell me why is it that money makes the effin world go round??? why not love, or hair, or ability to power shop?
i am so freakin frustrated and outta my wits it's painful to read the things i write.
GOD I HATE THIS.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
blazers and leather jackets
when it rains, there's a good chance it's gonna pour.
i'm not just talking about the weather, which, strangely enough, has been rainy and poury these past few days. as it is summer in my beautiful country, rain isn't exactly something i - and everyone else, for that matter - am used to. we're more accustomed to the awful heat and terrible suffocating humidity that summer is usually associated with. the rain is always welcome, though, as it means cooler days/nights and less prickly icky heat.
anyway, it's drizzled a bit in my life, too. couple days ago i got a text message that totally uplifted me from my current slump, and today it's drizzled a bit again.
the first one today was a pretty welcome one. the second one i had to avoid. i didn't HAVE to, but i felt that i should. if i've learned anything these past few months, it's that keeping faith is very important. so i will. it's been four months anyway, what's a couple days more? :)
so, it's been raining and i'm very thankful, really. i don't want to get ahead and think that it's going to pour, because i'm not sure of that, and getting my umbrella up at this point will be a bit too much, i think.
blazers and leather jackets ought to be enough.
and at P227 each, now THAT... is LOVE.
p.s. i just realized that my "i am the rain goddess" theory is still pretty intact. haha.
i'm not just talking about the weather, which, strangely enough, has been rainy and poury these past few days. as it is summer in my beautiful country, rain isn't exactly something i - and everyone else, for that matter - am used to. we're more accustomed to the awful heat and terrible suffocating humidity that summer is usually associated with. the rain is always welcome, though, as it means cooler days/nights and less prickly icky heat.
anyway, it's drizzled a bit in my life, too. couple days ago i got a text message that totally uplifted me from my current slump, and today it's drizzled a bit again.
the first one today was a pretty welcome one. the second one i had to avoid. i didn't HAVE to, but i felt that i should. if i've learned anything these past few months, it's that keeping faith is very important. so i will. it's been four months anyway, what's a couple days more? :)
so, it's been raining and i'm very thankful, really. i don't want to get ahead and think that it's going to pour, because i'm not sure of that, and getting my umbrella up at this point will be a bit too much, i think.
blazers and leather jackets ought to be enough.
and at P227 each, now THAT... is LOVE.
p.s. i just realized that my "i am the rain goddess" theory is still pretty intact. haha.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
i dont want to get ahead of myself but...
just when i bitch about things not falling into place just yet, God decides to surprise me.
and just like THAT! ... i'm fine again. :)
i hope i don't jinx it this time. :D
and just like THAT! ... i'm fine again. :)
i hope i don't jinx it this time. :D
Saturday, April 18, 2009
no more starbucks nights
These past few days I've been avoiding my house like it was out to get me and gobble me up for dinner.
For one thing, it's a stupid house, the first floor having windows only on the front part, with no other windows anywhere else (but surprisingly it's still cooler than upstairs which has more windows but it always feels like a sauna room up there). And with the awful awful summer heat in the Philippines, chances are I'd die faster of suffocation in my house than of heat stroke standing outside under the flesh-burning heat of the sun.
Another reason, is that my mom and I are, yes, still at it, her with her hormones and I with my temper (and hormones, too, as I am pre-menstrual, I feel it, yes, I do). And once more she's been locking me out of the house and throwing small things around and irritating me to a/an I'm-just-going-to-get-out-of-here-instead-of-making-patol-you point (excuse the conioness of that).
Anyway.
Yesterday I went to the doctor to have my left wrist checked. For a while it's been shit crazy painful, and my hand being the most important part of my life/profession/future, of course I needed to have it checked. It's tendinitis (more commonly tendonitis), so it's just tired.
Okay I don't know why I even said that.
Anyway, today, escape meant going to Dee's and playing with China, her 4-year old niece, who I adore, until she screams in my ear and kicks me like it's not supposed to hurt. Anyway I had fun, and I think they were all kinda thankful that someone else was there to divert her attention, or that someone else got the kicking. Still, thanks Dee, for letting me crash, and turning on the airconditioning, and for dinner, too.
We were supposed to grab some Starbucks with Vicky, but her car broke down and she fell asleep so Dee and I just had dinner, and since I'm always broke these days, Dee offered. I'll pay her back as soon as I get around to withdrawing some money.
Anyway I think the whole point of this post was to say that it's kinda "sad"(pardon me for lack of better term) that we three rarely have time to get together at Starbucks (which, though I am supposed to be boycotting for my sister and for many other obvious reasons, have come to be our trio's special place). Its probably because of a couple dozen valid excuses, but mine is basically because I have no money to spare on those extremely-fattening, mouth-watering, over-priced drinks; and not being able to makes me feel that my world is going into a downward spiral, bringing about a sudden rush of self-pity, low self-worth, and generally a huge black hole of sadness.
It's been a mighty big help, all the positivity I've been injecting myself with (purely figurative), and this caramel sundae my sister just handed me.
(Eating caramel goodness pause.)
Still, positivity has this thing about running out like really good stocks at the mall, and at some point in time you go back to being pessimistic, which, strangely enough, is always, always just there to help.
I'm currently working on that, and hoping that this - all this - is just a bad case of pre-period hormones going berserk.
P.S. Obviously, things are not in place just yet. (See previous entry.) Exactly why pessimism is peeping around again.
For one thing, it's a stupid house, the first floor having windows only on the front part, with no other windows anywhere else (but surprisingly it's still cooler than upstairs which has more windows but it always feels like a sauna room up there). And with the awful awful summer heat in the Philippines, chances are I'd die faster of suffocation in my house than of heat stroke standing outside under the flesh-burning heat of the sun.
Another reason, is that my mom and I are, yes, still at it, her with her hormones and I with my temper (and hormones, too, as I am pre-menstrual, I feel it, yes, I do). And once more she's been locking me out of the house and throwing small things around and irritating me to a/an I'm-just-going-to-get-out-of-here-instead-of-making-patol-you point (excuse the conioness of that).
Anyway.
Yesterday I went to the doctor to have my left wrist checked. For a while it's been shit crazy painful, and my hand being the most important part of my life/profession/future, of course I needed to have it checked. It's tendinitis (more commonly tendonitis), so it's just tired.
Okay I don't know why I even said that.
Anyway, today, escape meant going to Dee's and playing with China, her 4-year old niece, who I adore, until she screams in my ear and kicks me like it's not supposed to hurt. Anyway I had fun, and I think they were all kinda thankful that someone else was there to divert her attention, or that someone else got the kicking. Still, thanks Dee, for letting me crash, and turning on the airconditioning, and for dinner, too.
We were supposed to grab some Starbucks with Vicky, but her car broke down and she fell asleep so Dee and I just had dinner, and since I'm always broke these days, Dee offered. I'll pay her back as soon as I get around to withdrawing some money.
Anyway I think the whole point of this post was to say that it's kinda "sad"(pardon me for lack of better term) that we three rarely have time to get together at Starbucks (which, though I am supposed to be boycotting for my sister and for many other obvious reasons, have come to be our trio's special place). Its probably because of a couple dozen valid excuses, but mine is basically because I have no money to spare on those extremely-fattening, mouth-watering, over-priced drinks; and not being able to makes me feel that my world is going into a downward spiral, bringing about a sudden rush of self-pity, low self-worth, and generally a huge black hole of sadness.
It's been a mighty big help, all the positivity I've been injecting myself with (purely figurative), and this caramel sundae my sister just handed me.
(Eating caramel goodness pause.)
Still, positivity has this thing about running out like really good stocks at the mall, and at some point in time you go back to being pessimistic, which, strangely enough, is always, always just there to help.
I'm currently working on that, and hoping that this - all this - is just a bad case of pre-period hormones going berserk.
P.S. Obviously, things are not in place just yet. (See previous entry.) Exactly why pessimism is peeping around again.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
when things start to fall into place
... they just do.
it's been a long frustrating road trying to make something great of myself, given my present circumstances along with the ever fucked up situation of the world economy. everyone has been against everything i've been doing even though they they try to be supportive, which is probably a worse, more frustrating (for me) thing to do.
but none the matter.
things are shaping up and i'm happy and thankful and exalting praises because He has done wonderful wonderful things for me.
so now, it's time again to bounce back and reaffirm my life's mission: to become the next big thing. :D
Thank you, God.
it's been a long frustrating road trying to make something great of myself, given my present circumstances along with the ever fucked up situation of the world economy. everyone has been against everything i've been doing even though they they try to be supportive, which is probably a worse, more frustrating (for me) thing to do.
but none the matter.
things are shaping up and i'm happy and thankful and exalting praises because He has done wonderful wonderful things for me.
so now, it's time again to bounce back and reaffirm my life's mission: to become the next big thing. :D
Thank you, God.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
i just know it will come
becoming the next big thing has gotten really tough. too tough for me to have expected, but not too tough for me to overcome it.
over the course of the past few months i've been awakened to the reality that this will not be easy. i've gone from being confident to being doubtful, from being very enthusiastic to extremely pessimistic, and i could go with the list of about a million other adjectives but i'm going to stop right there. it doesn't matter.
because it will come.
i know it will.
everything that everyone else has been saying has only distracted me from my goal: to be great. i've come to doubt myself, which i never do, not believe in the dreams i've had since forever, which is inexcusable, and i've been compromising everything i know and stand for even though i know i shouldn't which is totally unthinkable and so very very wrong.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein
it will come.
i know it will.
SOON.
over the course of the past few months i've been awakened to the reality that this will not be easy. i've gone from being confident to being doubtful, from being very enthusiastic to extremely pessimistic, and i could go with the list of about a million other adjectives but i'm going to stop right there. it doesn't matter.
because it will come.
i know it will.
everything that everyone else has been saying has only distracted me from my goal: to be great. i've come to doubt myself, which i never do, not believe in the dreams i've had since forever, which is inexcusable, and i've been compromising everything i know and stand for even though i know i shouldn't which is totally unthinkable and so very very wrong.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein
it will come.
i know it will.
SOON.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
hence my current state
i've been writing again (not blogging). ever since the router got busted, i haven't really gone online and i'd really rather not use the internet unless i'm using benito (my laptop). so i've come to collect quite a few pieces of scrap paper, some torn off used pages, some i steal from the printer tray, most of them the ones within easy reach when i suddenly get a jolt of energy. most times releasing it through a pen gripped in my fingers scratching through processed tree products is the best thing that i could do, given the situation i'm in right now.
i've started working, and in a word, i am miserable.
i never thought i'd get a crap job, but i did, and it sucks. i almost always complain about it, if not to my friends, then in my head. if not in my head, in my dreams, and if not there, i'm pretty sure a part of my soul is crying in agony every second i spend tied to that company.
fine, i'm exaggerating a bit. it's not the worst job in the world. it's not a bad job, to be perfectly honest. it pays well, considering that most of the time you spend just sitting around and doing nothing.
it's just not the job for me.
i can't even begin to try and explain, because unless you've seen it and known it and felt it yourself, you'll just be saying that it's just my ego, my excessive self worth, my incredible self confidence or something of the sort.
bah. im not finishing this entry. i've lost the jolt.
i've started working, and in a word, i am miserable.
i never thought i'd get a crap job, but i did, and it sucks. i almost always complain about it, if not to my friends, then in my head. if not in my head, in my dreams, and if not there, i'm pretty sure a part of my soul is crying in agony every second i spend tied to that company.
fine, i'm exaggerating a bit. it's not the worst job in the world. it's not a bad job, to be perfectly honest. it pays well, considering that most of the time you spend just sitting around and doing nothing.
it's just not the job for me.
i can't even begin to try and explain, because unless you've seen it and known it and felt it yourself, you'll just be saying that it's just my ego, my excessive self worth, my incredible self confidence or something of the sort.
bah. im not finishing this entry. i've lost the jolt.
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