the inevitable hormonal blog

i will start this blog by automatically creating a scapegoat for what the following entry might contain, as this blog is going to be written in a highly spiteful and irritated mood, owing, most probably, to the fact that i have my period.

so, if what comes next is too heavy or destructive or angry or evil, blame it on all the raging hormones that the female species apparently has a lot more of.

i have actually just decided to blame my hormones for everything that's happening in my life at this very moment.

i blame my hormones for my highly and increasingly violent mood swings, for my short temper and my prejudice against all stupid people.

i blame my hormones for the crying bouts i have to try my best to fight back because they occur in the office and in front of everyone else, and if i cant conceal them anymore, i hide them through fake coughing fits and fake allergic reactions.

i blame my hormones for the pain i feel in my abdomen, the now never-ceasing migraine, the knee pain and the back aches i get from sleeping on the floor instead of on my bed. i found out something about myself recently: i dont sleep on my bed when i'm uneasy. and its been a few weeks since i've seen that bed of mine, and i've been missing it, but im not ready to go back and sleep in it yet. so i blame my hormones for that too.

i also blame my hormones for my possibly extreme superiority complex. my problem with authority. my suicidal tendencies. my obssessive compulsiveness, my sudden urges to bang my head on the wall, my desire to shave someone's hair off, and most especially, for my itching need/want/desire/mission to take someone by the shoulders, shake them up and make them realize they're stupid.

i blame my hormones for making me decide to take this job i waited for four months for, even though there were countless foreshadowing hints and warnings flashing along the way. i blame my hormones for blinding me. for making me feel that this was it.

because it's not.

i have no idea how to make people understand how i just know that something isnt right for me.

take for example driving.

when i was in high school i was sure i was born to drive. when i first held that wheel and stepped my foot on the clutch and used the stick shift, automatically i knew - NAH. i wasn't going to drive. but i kept with it, even if it never caught on. and until driving is reduced to a push-button command sort of activity, i will never ever drive. yes. i knew i didn't want to drive the minute i tried it. of course i didnt admit that. and of course i wont admit i enjoy commuting and riding the train and using public transportation.

dee told me it was too much my thing to go and try whatever just to be able to say i tried it. i think its too much my thing to be blinded by the idealisms of this world. i hope and pray and earnestly wish that they would hold true if i remained good and kind and did my best in everything. supposedly the world will reward you. but so far the world has been flinging test after test after test at me and i am now reduced to a self-pitying, low wage earning, bottom of the food chain slave girl. it sucks that in a few years i can officially become a "never was".

and so instead of saying i am an extremely self-aware person and i just know when something's wrong in my life, and that i know myself, and my capacities/limitations and when and where i'm sure i'll just snap, i will just...

Blame it on the hormones.

i also blame my hormones for making me link this blog to my mother who, i am sure, will link it to my father. and they, who are perhaps two of the most clueless people in the world about me and my feelings, are the only people who can help. (how? i have no idea.)

because at this point i'm just going to keep blaming my hormones, or else i will never stop crying and i will die young of depression and repression and harbored ill feelings and resentment.




see? this blog is too hormonal.

jeez.