to be or not be. indeed the question.

"to be or not to be. that is the question."

countless times i've heard it, a few times read it myself. shakespeare, to the simple minded, such as i, more often that not makes no sense at all, unless i exert a bit more effort to actually decipher what he wants to say. and so, ever since high school, hamlet's famous lines have also been reduced to a mere statement in a weird soliloquoy to me.

tonight though, after a good solid cry on dee's ever present shoulder, i realized that to be or not to be is indeed the question.

and so my plans of world domination by way of becoming the next big thing looks to be dimmer and so far away that it once was.

and until i answer it, to be or not to be remains the question i would do just about anything to get out of my head.

no wonder hamlet went all weird.

the inevitable hormonal blog

i will start this blog by automatically creating a scapegoat for what the following entry might contain, as this blog is going to be written in a highly spiteful and irritated mood, owing, most probably, to the fact that i have my period.

so, if what comes next is too heavy or destructive or angry or evil, blame it on all the raging hormones that the female species apparently has a lot more of.

i have actually just decided to blame my hormones for everything that's happening in my life at this very moment.

i blame my hormones for my highly and increasingly violent mood swings, for my short temper and my prejudice against all stupid people.

i blame my hormones for the crying bouts i have to try my best to fight back because they occur in the office and in front of everyone else, and if i cant conceal them anymore, i hide them through fake coughing fits and fake allergic reactions.

i blame my hormones for the pain i feel in my abdomen, the now never-ceasing migraine, the knee pain and the back aches i get from sleeping on the floor instead of on my bed. i found out something about myself recently: i dont sleep on my bed when i'm uneasy. and its been a few weeks since i've seen that bed of mine, and i've been missing it, but im not ready to go back and sleep in it yet. so i blame my hormones for that too.

i also blame my hormones for my possibly extreme superiority complex. my problem with authority. my suicidal tendencies. my obssessive compulsiveness, my sudden urges to bang my head on the wall, my desire to shave someone's hair off, and most especially, for my itching need/want/desire/mission to take someone by the shoulders, shake them up and make them realize they're stupid.

i blame my hormones for making me decide to take this job i waited for four months for, even though there were countless foreshadowing hints and warnings flashing along the way. i blame my hormones for blinding me. for making me feel that this was it.

because it's not.

i have no idea how to make people understand how i just know that something isnt right for me.

take for example driving.

when i was in high school i was sure i was born to drive. when i first held that wheel and stepped my foot on the clutch and used the stick shift, automatically i knew - NAH. i wasn't going to drive. but i kept with it, even if it never caught on. and until driving is reduced to a push-button command sort of activity, i will never ever drive. yes. i knew i didn't want to drive the minute i tried it. of course i didnt admit that. and of course i wont admit i enjoy commuting and riding the train and using public transportation.

dee told me it was too much my thing to go and try whatever just to be able to say i tried it. i think its too much my thing to be blinded by the idealisms of this world. i hope and pray and earnestly wish that they would hold true if i remained good and kind and did my best in everything. supposedly the world will reward you. but so far the world has been flinging test after test after test at me and i am now reduced to a self-pitying, low wage earning, bottom of the food chain slave girl. it sucks that in a few years i can officially become a "never was".

and so instead of saying i am an extremely self-aware person and i just know when something's wrong in my life, and that i know myself, and my capacities/limitations and when and where i'm sure i'll just snap, i will just...

Blame it on the hormones.

i also blame my hormones for making me link this blog to my mother who, i am sure, will link it to my father. and they, who are perhaps two of the most clueless people in the world about me and my feelings, are the only people who can help. (how? i have no idea.)

because at this point i'm just going to keep blaming my hormones, or else i will never stop crying and i will die young of depression and repression and harbored ill feelings and resentment.




see? this blog is too hormonal.

jeez.

and so i had starbucks again.

and it felt so different.

dee's been asking me to go grab a cup of starbucks with her but i've been putting it off. i told her that going to starbucks has become a bit symbolic for me. and, well, since i'm almost practically broke, i'd rather buy clothes and shoes than spend so much on a cup of coffee and a doughnut.

yesterday we went to starbucks because ledz and i had to discuss some things. and it felt completely different.

for a very long time i've been craving for a starbucks frappucino. just because. or probably mostly since i've been binge eating and shopping out of sheer frustration these past few days. anyway, since yesterday was a particularly cold day, i opted for a cappuccino, which i also like, and what seemed suitable at the moment.

dee bought a dark mocha frap, which, when i got a sip of, suddenly made me think back and semi-regret my decision of getting a hot beverage. that in this case was mostly foam than coffee. which would've probably made some people happy, but i'd rather get more of the coffee than the foam. but i like their cappuccino anyway, and an additional two packets of brown sugar made it just right for my taste.

sometimes we want things so bad we'd do just about anything to get it. we exert effort, we wait, we spend money, we invest time, things like that. but later on, only to find out that when you're already there, everything is just different. it's not as perfect as you pictured it to be, not as wonderful as it seemed, not as worth all the time and effort you put into it. and suddenly you realize that you're full of what-if's and if-only's about how you could've done something more productive, how you could've waited for something bigger, how you could've saved all that cash, and how much more you could've done with your time.

i realized just now that when i got my cappuccino my first thought was "ay, kalahati lang" with reference to the amount of coffee in the cup, but not the foam.

at least i still see it as a half-full cup, and not a half-empty one.

it's just that sometimes, it's so hard to ignore the fact that your cup looks so empty especially when the foam has settled down. and since your friends have cups that look and feel heavier and a lot more full than yours.

this point in my life can be summarized in that one (half) cup of cappuccino i had yesterday.

probably why i bought that instead of a frap. for some realizations and another blog entry. and to save a good forty bucks.

anxiety attacks

i'm feeling a little too anxious about so many things. dee says i'm just being too bitchy about it. i appreciate her honesty and her staying up late to hear my endless rants and her never ending efforts to make me see the brighter side. it's just that sometimes, my mind won't listen to anything else once it's gotten a grasp of whatever it needs to get a hold of.

that's a bad thing, i guess. ultimately it means i'm too much of a bitch.

one thing i get totally ticked off about is how common sense can be so uncommon. how supposedly highly intelligent and overly capable people more often than not don't even have it. how decisions are made without common sense, and how so many problems and complications could have been avoided and how the world would be so much MUCH better if people just used their common sense.

but apparently that's asking just a little bit too much. and right now, all i can do is just deal.

and cook dinner and take a bath and eat dinner and rest.

and hope that the anxiety will be a little bit better and not too unsettling in the morning.

gah.

change yet again.

dee and i barely talk these days. we'd usually plan sleepovers but she ends up sleeping before i get to talk, and i'm usually too tired to talk anyway. so lately i have no outlet of all the pent up frustration i have inside me.

these past few weeks i've been up all night trying to make everything fit, as usual. i always have a plan. always always. i can't ever have a go at something without knowing what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct damage control. yes, i am a control freak, thank you very much.

anyway this is all new to me, and the pieces of the puzzle dont exactly fit together. and that's total panic mode for someone who gets as obsessive compulsive as me.

so today dee and i went shopping. and tomorrow i want to sleep over at her place and not make her sleep until i've poured this all out.

i told dee how starbucks has become such a luxury to me these days. i havent had a cup of their overpriced coffee or a whiff of the intoxicating aroma in at least two months. for someone who used to drink a tall capuccino every morning, two months is a pretty long time. dee keeps offering to get a cup of coffee there but i'd rather not.

the current state of my plans to become the next big thing:

totally confused and therefore kinda screwed.

oh life. sometimes i get too friggin tired of it.

oh and can someone tell me why is it that money makes the effin world go round??? why not love, or hair, or ability to power shop?



i am so freakin frustrated and outta my wits it's painful to read the things i write.

GOD I HATE THIS.