i have no POWER

when a crane accidentally drops things on moving cars and power lines that cut electricity in nearby buildings, it has to be expected that certain things - especially things that require technological gadgets such as computers, printers, scanners, etc. - cannot be done.

and it also has to be accepted that no matter how freaking smart i am or how terribly resourceful i can be, that i have no POWER, and that i cannot just find that and pick it up under the table or on the street or even in the nearby mall and make it possible for a PC to work. because i cannot just magic files into existence. i am still just human.

and no matter what suggestions are made, like dismantling the CPU (and possibly damaging the entire system) or drawing things freehand (all in a matter of 20minutes) or serving OT (til late without assurance that the power will come back) --- sometimes, it is just better to accept that certain things are out of our control.

that is one major thing, i know now, that makes me want to say yes to other opportunities despite the risks i may have to take.

this is weird coming from someone as egoistic as me, but please. learn some humility. not every effin' thing can go your way.

especially if your way is the disorganized, no-sense-of-urgency-or-concept-of-planning-ahead-by-even-the-simple-act-of-buying-a-UPS kind of way.

SERIOUSLY.

blah.

right now all i really want to do is cry.

when things get really frustrating and you find yourself caught right smack in the middle, its just so extremely hopeless all that's left to do is cry.

and yet you can't because you're too tired.

and then you remember how things aren't how you want them to be in the first place, so you get all the more frustrated.

i hate bad days.

two steps behind

i've had this song stuck in my head since this morning when dad dropped me off for work. its currently playing on my itunes now, and im looking forward to singing along during the chorus.

it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around
i'll be two steps behind

this blog post though, unlike the song, has nothing to do with lovers being supportive or whatever the hell the lyrics are saying. two steps behind speaks to me in a very different sense. indeed.

firstly, i am two steps behind in reaching for my dreams. that's enough said. it's just so extremely frustrating (one, because i cant see my dreams coming true anytime soon, and two, because i have this sinking feeling that the reason i cant see them ahead is because i've lost sight of what they are) that i just dont want to talk about it.

secondly, i think that humanity (and by humanity i am specifically referring to some people in the office, but it would be rude to refer only to them so i am speaking of humanity here. sorry everyone else.) is two steps behind the way they're supposed to be thinking. i dont get why some people are so extremely pointless i see no significance that they have to exist in my perfectly functioning sphere of a comfortable and sensible life.

yes i am on a rant mode, obviously. the pms is kind of starting a bit early, yes yes yes.

thirdly, trying to pull off cheap lame ass pick up lines and shit is so totally two steps behind. get a life and grow up.


-lost momentum. anyway its safe to say im too pissed anuway. goodnight world.-

hooray for the weekend that was

after what seems like a million friggin years, i was reunited with my element. the beach.

it's been so long since i went wrinkly from submerging myself too much in the pool, or my eyes aching from too much chlorine, or feeling extremely awkward in a swimsuit. i've always had my excuses, which ranged from tiredness, having better things to do, to be being allergic to chlorinated water, of which i'm not. anyway, this weekend i had nothing but welcoming thoughts of feeling the sand on my feet and the huge waves in my face, with the taste of the salt water lingering on my tongue.

and what a much needed blast of positivity it brought me! for a few days i was able to forget about how miserable i am with my job, how badly i want to strangle certain people, and how frustrating it is that my dreams are miles and miles and miles away from my grasp.

and indeed it has changed so many things, from how i see my friends to how i want to view life, to how i want to always have a nice place to retreat to if ever i feel the need to refresh myself again.

to prevent myself from divulging cheesey realizations and other things, i will cut my story short to say only that i realized that i have a lot of time ahead of me. for once in my life i should just take things easy and go with the flow.

and hopefully more long weekends with planned getaways are coming. :P

thank god for good friends, good food, and a whole lot of love. ^_^

to be or not be. indeed the question.

"to be or not to be. that is the question."

countless times i've heard it, a few times read it myself. shakespeare, to the simple minded, such as i, more often that not makes no sense at all, unless i exert a bit more effort to actually decipher what he wants to say. and so, ever since high school, hamlet's famous lines have also been reduced to a mere statement in a weird soliloquoy to me.

tonight though, after a good solid cry on dee's ever present shoulder, i realized that to be or not to be is indeed the question.

and so my plans of world domination by way of becoming the next big thing looks to be dimmer and so far away that it once was.

and until i answer it, to be or not to be remains the question i would do just about anything to get out of my head.

no wonder hamlet went all weird.

the inevitable hormonal blog

i will start this blog by automatically creating a scapegoat for what the following entry might contain, as this blog is going to be written in a highly spiteful and irritated mood, owing, most probably, to the fact that i have my period.

so, if what comes next is too heavy or destructive or angry or evil, blame it on all the raging hormones that the female species apparently has a lot more of.

i have actually just decided to blame my hormones for everything that's happening in my life at this very moment.

i blame my hormones for my highly and increasingly violent mood swings, for my short temper and my prejudice against all stupid people.

i blame my hormones for the crying bouts i have to try my best to fight back because they occur in the office and in front of everyone else, and if i cant conceal them anymore, i hide them through fake coughing fits and fake allergic reactions.

i blame my hormones for the pain i feel in my abdomen, the now never-ceasing migraine, the knee pain and the back aches i get from sleeping on the floor instead of on my bed. i found out something about myself recently: i dont sleep on my bed when i'm uneasy. and its been a few weeks since i've seen that bed of mine, and i've been missing it, but im not ready to go back and sleep in it yet. so i blame my hormones for that too.

i also blame my hormones for my possibly extreme superiority complex. my problem with authority. my suicidal tendencies. my obssessive compulsiveness, my sudden urges to bang my head on the wall, my desire to shave someone's hair off, and most especially, for my itching need/want/desire/mission to take someone by the shoulders, shake them up and make them realize they're stupid.

i blame my hormones for making me decide to take this job i waited for four months for, even though there were countless foreshadowing hints and warnings flashing along the way. i blame my hormones for blinding me. for making me feel that this was it.

because it's not.

i have no idea how to make people understand how i just know that something isnt right for me.

take for example driving.

when i was in high school i was sure i was born to drive. when i first held that wheel and stepped my foot on the clutch and used the stick shift, automatically i knew - NAH. i wasn't going to drive. but i kept with it, even if it never caught on. and until driving is reduced to a push-button command sort of activity, i will never ever drive. yes. i knew i didn't want to drive the minute i tried it. of course i didnt admit that. and of course i wont admit i enjoy commuting and riding the train and using public transportation.

dee told me it was too much my thing to go and try whatever just to be able to say i tried it. i think its too much my thing to be blinded by the idealisms of this world. i hope and pray and earnestly wish that they would hold true if i remained good and kind and did my best in everything. supposedly the world will reward you. but so far the world has been flinging test after test after test at me and i am now reduced to a self-pitying, low wage earning, bottom of the food chain slave girl. it sucks that in a few years i can officially become a "never was".

and so instead of saying i am an extremely self-aware person and i just know when something's wrong in my life, and that i know myself, and my capacities/limitations and when and where i'm sure i'll just snap, i will just...

Blame it on the hormones.

i also blame my hormones for making me link this blog to my mother who, i am sure, will link it to my father. and they, who are perhaps two of the most clueless people in the world about me and my feelings, are the only people who can help. (how? i have no idea.)

because at this point i'm just going to keep blaming my hormones, or else i will never stop crying and i will die young of depression and repression and harbored ill feelings and resentment.




see? this blog is too hormonal.

jeez.

and so i had starbucks again.

and it felt so different.

dee's been asking me to go grab a cup of starbucks with her but i've been putting it off. i told her that going to starbucks has become a bit symbolic for me. and, well, since i'm almost practically broke, i'd rather buy clothes and shoes than spend so much on a cup of coffee and a doughnut.

yesterday we went to starbucks because ledz and i had to discuss some things. and it felt completely different.

for a very long time i've been craving for a starbucks frappucino. just because. or probably mostly since i've been binge eating and shopping out of sheer frustration these past few days. anyway, since yesterday was a particularly cold day, i opted for a cappuccino, which i also like, and what seemed suitable at the moment.

dee bought a dark mocha frap, which, when i got a sip of, suddenly made me think back and semi-regret my decision of getting a hot beverage. that in this case was mostly foam than coffee. which would've probably made some people happy, but i'd rather get more of the coffee than the foam. but i like their cappuccino anyway, and an additional two packets of brown sugar made it just right for my taste.

sometimes we want things so bad we'd do just about anything to get it. we exert effort, we wait, we spend money, we invest time, things like that. but later on, only to find out that when you're already there, everything is just different. it's not as perfect as you pictured it to be, not as wonderful as it seemed, not as worth all the time and effort you put into it. and suddenly you realize that you're full of what-if's and if-only's about how you could've done something more productive, how you could've waited for something bigger, how you could've saved all that cash, and how much more you could've done with your time.

i realized just now that when i got my cappuccino my first thought was "ay, kalahati lang" with reference to the amount of coffee in the cup, but not the foam.

at least i still see it as a half-full cup, and not a half-empty one.

it's just that sometimes, it's so hard to ignore the fact that your cup looks so empty especially when the foam has settled down. and since your friends have cups that look and feel heavier and a lot more full than yours.

this point in my life can be summarized in that one (half) cup of cappuccino i had yesterday.

probably why i bought that instead of a frap. for some realizations and another blog entry. and to save a good forty bucks.