i'm feeling a little too anxious about so many things. dee says i'm just being too bitchy about it. i appreciate her honesty and her staying up late to hear my endless rants and her never ending efforts to make me see the brighter side. it's just that sometimes, my mind won't listen to anything else once it's gotten a grasp of whatever it needs to get a hold of.
that's a bad thing, i guess. ultimately it means i'm too much of a bitch.
one thing i get totally ticked off about is how common sense can be so uncommon. how supposedly highly intelligent and overly capable people more often than not don't even have it. how decisions are made without common sense, and how so many problems and complications could have been avoided and how the world would be so much MUCH better if people just used their common sense.
but apparently that's asking just a little bit too much. and right now, all i can do is just deal.
and cook dinner and take a bath and eat dinner and rest.
and hope that the anxiety will be a little bit better and not too unsettling in the morning.
gah.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
change yet again.
dee and i barely talk these days. we'd usually plan sleepovers but she ends up sleeping before i get to talk, and i'm usually too tired to talk anyway. so lately i have no outlet of all the pent up frustration i have inside me.
these past few weeks i've been up all night trying to make everything fit, as usual. i always have a plan. always always. i can't ever have a go at something without knowing what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct damage control. yes, i am a control freak, thank you very much.
anyway this is all new to me, and the pieces of the puzzle dont exactly fit together. and that's total panic mode for someone who gets as obsessive compulsive as me.
so today dee and i went shopping. and tomorrow i want to sleep over at her place and not make her sleep until i've poured this all out.
i told dee how starbucks has become such a luxury to me these days. i havent had a cup of their overpriced coffee or a whiff of the intoxicating aroma in at least two months. for someone who used to drink a tall capuccino every morning, two months is a pretty long time. dee keeps offering to get a cup of coffee there but i'd rather not.
oh life. sometimes i get too friggin tired of it.
oh and can someone tell me why is it that money makes the effin world go round??? why not love, or hair, or ability to power shop?
i am so freakin frustrated and outta my wits it's painful to read the things i write.
GOD I HATE THIS.
these past few weeks i've been up all night trying to make everything fit, as usual. i always have a plan. always always. i can't ever have a go at something without knowing what to do, what not to do, and how to conduct damage control. yes, i am a control freak, thank you very much.
anyway this is all new to me, and the pieces of the puzzle dont exactly fit together. and that's total panic mode for someone who gets as obsessive compulsive as me.
so today dee and i went shopping. and tomorrow i want to sleep over at her place and not make her sleep until i've poured this all out.
i told dee how starbucks has become such a luxury to me these days. i havent had a cup of their overpriced coffee or a whiff of the intoxicating aroma in at least two months. for someone who used to drink a tall capuccino every morning, two months is a pretty long time. dee keeps offering to get a cup of coffee there but i'd rather not.
the current state of my plans to become the next big thing:
totally confused and therefore kinda screwed.
oh life. sometimes i get too friggin tired of it.
oh and can someone tell me why is it that money makes the effin world go round??? why not love, or hair, or ability to power shop?
i am so freakin frustrated and outta my wits it's painful to read the things i write.
GOD I HATE THIS.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
blazers and leather jackets
when it rains, there's a good chance it's gonna pour.
i'm not just talking about the weather, which, strangely enough, has been rainy and poury these past few days. as it is summer in my beautiful country, rain isn't exactly something i - and everyone else, for that matter - am used to. we're more accustomed to the awful heat and terrible suffocating humidity that summer is usually associated with. the rain is always welcome, though, as it means cooler days/nights and less prickly icky heat.
anyway, it's drizzled a bit in my life, too. couple days ago i got a text message that totally uplifted me from my current slump, and today it's drizzled a bit again.
the first one today was a pretty welcome one. the second one i had to avoid. i didn't HAVE to, but i felt that i should. if i've learned anything these past few months, it's that keeping faith is very important. so i will. it's been four months anyway, what's a couple days more? :)
so, it's been raining and i'm very thankful, really. i don't want to get ahead and think that it's going to pour, because i'm not sure of that, and getting my umbrella up at this point will be a bit too much, i think.
blazers and leather jackets ought to be enough.
and at P227 each, now THAT... is LOVE.
p.s. i just realized that my "i am the rain goddess" theory is still pretty intact. haha.
i'm not just talking about the weather, which, strangely enough, has been rainy and poury these past few days. as it is summer in my beautiful country, rain isn't exactly something i - and everyone else, for that matter - am used to. we're more accustomed to the awful heat and terrible suffocating humidity that summer is usually associated with. the rain is always welcome, though, as it means cooler days/nights and less prickly icky heat.
anyway, it's drizzled a bit in my life, too. couple days ago i got a text message that totally uplifted me from my current slump, and today it's drizzled a bit again.
the first one today was a pretty welcome one. the second one i had to avoid. i didn't HAVE to, but i felt that i should. if i've learned anything these past few months, it's that keeping faith is very important. so i will. it's been four months anyway, what's a couple days more? :)
so, it's been raining and i'm very thankful, really. i don't want to get ahead and think that it's going to pour, because i'm not sure of that, and getting my umbrella up at this point will be a bit too much, i think.
blazers and leather jackets ought to be enough.
and at P227 each, now THAT... is LOVE.
p.s. i just realized that my "i am the rain goddess" theory is still pretty intact. haha.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
i dont want to get ahead of myself but...
just when i bitch about things not falling into place just yet, God decides to surprise me.
and just like THAT! ... i'm fine again. :)
i hope i don't jinx it this time. :D
and just like THAT! ... i'm fine again. :)
i hope i don't jinx it this time. :D
Saturday, April 18, 2009
no more starbucks nights
These past few days I've been avoiding my house like it was out to get me and gobble me up for dinner.
For one thing, it's a stupid house, the first floor having windows only on the front part, with no other windows anywhere else (but surprisingly it's still cooler than upstairs which has more windows but it always feels like a sauna room up there). And with the awful awful summer heat in the Philippines, chances are I'd die faster of suffocation in my house than of heat stroke standing outside under the flesh-burning heat of the sun.
Another reason, is that my mom and I are, yes, still at it, her with her hormones and I with my temper (and hormones, too, as I am pre-menstrual, I feel it, yes, I do). And once more she's been locking me out of the house and throwing small things around and irritating me to a/an I'm-just-going-to-get-out-of-here-instead-of-making-patol-you point (excuse the conioness of that).
Anyway.
Yesterday I went to the doctor to have my left wrist checked. For a while it's been shit crazy painful, and my hand being the most important part of my life/profession/future, of course I needed to have it checked. It's tendinitis (more commonly tendonitis), so it's just tired.
Okay I don't know why I even said that.
Anyway, today, escape meant going to Dee's and playing with China, her 4-year old niece, who I adore, until she screams in my ear and kicks me like it's not supposed to hurt. Anyway I had fun, and I think they were all kinda thankful that someone else was there to divert her attention, or that someone else got the kicking. Still, thanks Dee, for letting me crash, and turning on the airconditioning, and for dinner, too.
We were supposed to grab some Starbucks with Vicky, but her car broke down and she fell asleep so Dee and I just had dinner, and since I'm always broke these days, Dee offered. I'll pay her back as soon as I get around to withdrawing some money.
Anyway I think the whole point of this post was to say that it's kinda "sad"(pardon me for lack of better term) that we three rarely have time to get together at Starbucks (which, though I am supposed to be boycotting for my sister and for many other obvious reasons, have come to be our trio's special place). Its probably because of a couple dozen valid excuses, but mine is basically because I have no money to spare on those extremely-fattening, mouth-watering, over-priced drinks; and not being able to makes me feel that my world is going into a downward spiral, bringing about a sudden rush of self-pity, low self-worth, and generally a huge black hole of sadness.
It's been a mighty big help, all the positivity I've been injecting myself with (purely figurative), and this caramel sundae my sister just handed me.
(Eating caramel goodness pause.)
Still, positivity has this thing about running out like really good stocks at the mall, and at some point in time you go back to being pessimistic, which, strangely enough, is always, always just there to help.
I'm currently working on that, and hoping that this - all this - is just a bad case of pre-period hormones going berserk.
P.S. Obviously, things are not in place just yet. (See previous entry.) Exactly why pessimism is peeping around again.
For one thing, it's a stupid house, the first floor having windows only on the front part, with no other windows anywhere else (but surprisingly it's still cooler than upstairs which has more windows but it always feels like a sauna room up there). And with the awful awful summer heat in the Philippines, chances are I'd die faster of suffocation in my house than of heat stroke standing outside under the flesh-burning heat of the sun.
Another reason, is that my mom and I are, yes, still at it, her with her hormones and I with my temper (and hormones, too, as I am pre-menstrual, I feel it, yes, I do). And once more she's been locking me out of the house and throwing small things around and irritating me to a/an I'm-just-going-to-get-out-of-here-instead-of-making-patol-you point (excuse the conioness of that).
Anyway.
Yesterday I went to the doctor to have my left wrist checked. For a while it's been shit crazy painful, and my hand being the most important part of my life/profession/future, of course I needed to have it checked. It's tendinitis (more commonly tendonitis), so it's just tired.
Okay I don't know why I even said that.
Anyway, today, escape meant going to Dee's and playing with China, her 4-year old niece, who I adore, until she screams in my ear and kicks me like it's not supposed to hurt. Anyway I had fun, and I think they were all kinda thankful that someone else was there to divert her attention, or that someone else got the kicking. Still, thanks Dee, for letting me crash, and turning on the airconditioning, and for dinner, too.
We were supposed to grab some Starbucks with Vicky, but her car broke down and she fell asleep so Dee and I just had dinner, and since I'm always broke these days, Dee offered. I'll pay her back as soon as I get around to withdrawing some money.
Anyway I think the whole point of this post was to say that it's kinda "sad"(pardon me for lack of better term) that we three rarely have time to get together at Starbucks (which, though I am supposed to be boycotting for my sister and for many other obvious reasons, have come to be our trio's special place). Its probably because of a couple dozen valid excuses, but mine is basically because I have no money to spare on those extremely-fattening, mouth-watering, over-priced drinks; and not being able to makes me feel that my world is going into a downward spiral, bringing about a sudden rush of self-pity, low self-worth, and generally a huge black hole of sadness.
It's been a mighty big help, all the positivity I've been injecting myself with (purely figurative), and this caramel sundae my sister just handed me.
(Eating caramel goodness pause.)
Still, positivity has this thing about running out like really good stocks at the mall, and at some point in time you go back to being pessimistic, which, strangely enough, is always, always just there to help.
I'm currently working on that, and hoping that this - all this - is just a bad case of pre-period hormones going berserk.
P.S. Obviously, things are not in place just yet. (See previous entry.) Exactly why pessimism is peeping around again.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
when things start to fall into place
... they just do.
it's been a long frustrating road trying to make something great of myself, given my present circumstances along with the ever fucked up situation of the world economy. everyone has been against everything i've been doing even though they they try to be supportive, which is probably a worse, more frustrating (for me) thing to do.
but none the matter.
things are shaping up and i'm happy and thankful and exalting praises because He has done wonderful wonderful things for me.
so now, it's time again to bounce back and reaffirm my life's mission: to become the next big thing. :D
Thank you, God.
it's been a long frustrating road trying to make something great of myself, given my present circumstances along with the ever fucked up situation of the world economy. everyone has been against everything i've been doing even though they they try to be supportive, which is probably a worse, more frustrating (for me) thing to do.
but none the matter.
things are shaping up and i'm happy and thankful and exalting praises because He has done wonderful wonderful things for me.
so now, it's time again to bounce back and reaffirm my life's mission: to become the next big thing. :D
Thank you, God.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
i just know it will come
becoming the next big thing has gotten really tough. too tough for me to have expected, but not too tough for me to overcome it.
over the course of the past few months i've been awakened to the reality that this will not be easy. i've gone from being confident to being doubtful, from being very enthusiastic to extremely pessimistic, and i could go with the list of about a million other adjectives but i'm going to stop right there. it doesn't matter.
because it will come.
i know it will.
everything that everyone else has been saying has only distracted me from my goal: to be great. i've come to doubt myself, which i never do, not believe in the dreams i've had since forever, which is inexcusable, and i've been compromising everything i know and stand for even though i know i shouldn't which is totally unthinkable and so very very wrong.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein
it will come.
i know it will.
SOON.
over the course of the past few months i've been awakened to the reality that this will not be easy. i've gone from being confident to being doubtful, from being very enthusiastic to extremely pessimistic, and i could go with the list of about a million other adjectives but i'm going to stop right there. it doesn't matter.
because it will come.
i know it will.
everything that everyone else has been saying has only distracted me from my goal: to be great. i've come to doubt myself, which i never do, not believe in the dreams i've had since forever, which is inexcusable, and i've been compromising everything i know and stand for even though i know i shouldn't which is totally unthinkable and so very very wrong.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
- Albert Einstein
it will come.
i know it will.
SOON.
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