I never said goodbye to this blog, particularly because not a lot of people know about it. I chose to keep it a secret blog primarily because I thought it would be nice to have a private corner online, where no one really knew who you are and you could just go and rant and feel better with no one knowing, no one judging, no one having to hear about it.
I think the real reason was because I wasn't sure about how people would react to this other side of me. It's always fear, I think.
So now I'm saying goodbye and making this semi-public, because I would like to just be myself again. Kariza Gonzales.
It's more fun being me anyway. Even if it does include all the weird, emo-ish, sad/depressed parts.
Bye, Kaka. You're still the better writer. ;)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Monday, September 7, 2009
good days, bad days, and days you just gotta live through
everyone has good days. once in a while (though, for me, more often than not), we have bad days. and then we get those days, which, they're either really bad, or really bah, that we just have to breathe through them and wait until it's all safe and we're ready for the next kind of day life decides to toss our way.
recently, "bad days" has been topping the charts, followed by "bah days", and "good days" comes in last. it's very frustrating to realize, that at this young, twenty-something age of mine, my bad+bah days outnumber my good days, when all around me, other twenty-somethings are partying and traveling and living it up, so to speak. if they're not getting the most out of life (i.e. their parents' huge bank accounts), they're getting the most out of their jobs, working in multinational companies and making more in a month than i do in a quarter, starting up businesses and earning more than i do in a year.
so yes, my bad days and bah days are a side effect of the huge bitterness i carry in my heart, because so far, i can only dream of becoming the next big thing, while they all already are.
not to worry though - i have become so accustomed to harboring bitterness and ill feelings that we have developed sort of a symbiotic relationship - i provide them a safe home, where they can be sure they won't be sent away any time soon, and they provide me with a ready scapegoat for my brooding-ness (if there is such a word), an excuse for my angst, and, on the brighter side of things, a certain drive that i don't get anywhere else but from them.
if there's anything good i get from all this heavy burden, it's that i want to prove everyone how great i can be. no, not good, and not just amazing, but great.
but i have to be honest, it's a bit hard to go about life feeling eternally heavy (and not just because of the few extra pounds i desperately need to lose). i look forward to the days when everything's just bright and wonderful and not a care in the world can shake me.
as of now though, all i can afford for a functioning drive to greatness are these things that make me feel so weighed down and in the dumps. i guess it's a good thing that i've always been the "delayed-gratification" kind of person.
today was a bad day, by the way.
yeah.
recently, "bad days" has been topping the charts, followed by "bah days", and "good days" comes in last. it's very frustrating to realize, that at this young, twenty-something age of mine, my bad+bah days outnumber my good days, when all around me, other twenty-somethings are partying and traveling and living it up, so to speak. if they're not getting the most out of life (i.e. their parents' huge bank accounts), they're getting the most out of their jobs, working in multinational companies and making more in a month than i do in a quarter, starting up businesses and earning more than i do in a year.
so yes, my bad days and bah days are a side effect of the huge bitterness i carry in my heart, because so far, i can only dream of becoming the next big thing, while they all already are.
not to worry though - i have become so accustomed to harboring bitterness and ill feelings that we have developed sort of a symbiotic relationship - i provide them a safe home, where they can be sure they won't be sent away any time soon, and they provide me with a ready scapegoat for my brooding-ness (if there is such a word), an excuse for my angst, and, on the brighter side of things, a certain drive that i don't get anywhere else but from them.
if there's anything good i get from all this heavy burden, it's that i want to prove everyone how great i can be. no, not good, and not just amazing, but great.
but i have to be honest, it's a bit hard to go about life feeling eternally heavy (and not just because of the few extra pounds i desperately need to lose). i look forward to the days when everything's just bright and wonderful and not a care in the world can shake me.
as of now though, all i can afford for a functioning drive to greatness are these things that make me feel so weighed down and in the dumps. i guess it's a good thing that i've always been the "delayed-gratification" kind of person.
today was a bad day, by the way.
yeah.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
losing number 40
tonight, despite my endless rants on how miserable my current situation is and how nobody can have it any worse than i do, i was given a golden moment where i saw, not just a glimmer, but a great big shining beacon of hope.
i lost the number 40. that small laminated piece of paper with a number on it that you get to safeguard while the baggage counter in the grocery store safeguards your black bag with the purple and green dolphins where you had to put your beloved water container. i lost it.
if you know me, you know that's not something that usually happens to me. but tonight it did, and i was so overwhelmed by fear (if someone else claims my things i'll never see my dolphins again), guilt (oh no they're going have to have another number 40 made) and utter disappointment in myself (such irresponsibility).
i didn't even know it was the number 40 until the man in the black shirt told me, very patiently, as dee and i stormed the baggage counter with raised voices and panicky faces. he was very kind. i thought he was going to test me on what the baggage was, what was in it, yadayada. but he was very calm, and sympathetic, and very understanding, and all he did was get my bag, put it in another spot, and hand me a new number. this time it was number 44 and i kept it snug inside my wallet and inside my bag.
the fee for a lost number was only P50 (which they said i could pay later), which was a sigh of relief in itself, as i did not have to sacrifice my dinner, which i had been looking forward to all afternoon. still the guilt was endlessly gnawing at me for having lost the laminated blue piece of paper with the number 40 on it.
my P50 never made it out of my wallet, as the guy who was at the baggage counter told me that black shirt man said it was all okay. i insisted, of course, as the guilt was now ever gnawing at my insides, but, after speaking to black shirt man, he said he believed it to be an accident, and that it was okay, and wished me a good evening. i thanked him and left, with a surprisingly light heart that drowned out the gnawing guilt and all the frustrations of the day.
i could have easily afforded the fifty bucks, and he could have just accepted it and i could have left with no feelings of guilt whatsoever. but he chose to send me off, nonethepoorer, with some guilt left, but with a much needed boost.
in not making me pay P50, black shirt man taught me that there are still people who readily trust other people, even if they lose numbers. he also showed me that money isn't everything, and that numbers can easily be replaced. and more importantly, he gave me hope that my much ridiculed idealism is not such a crazy thing to aspire for, and that i should just continue to work towards that, because there are people like him. no matter how rare, they exist, and contribute to making the world a better place. at least to those few who experience terrible days and lose number 40's along the way.
i do not know him at all for me to pass a judgment on him. but i appreciated the simple act he did for me and would like to write of it to preserve it my memory - as a reminder, that the simple things we do may mean mountains to other people.
mr. boy samson, i thank you for trusting, for understanding, for still allowing my stuff to be kept safe, and for not taking my P50. you saved me so much more than just the money. i am deeply grateful for that. and i am terribly sorry about losing number 40. i did, however, return number 44 safe and sound.
p.s. i hope someone returns number 40, if they find it.
here's to a renewed sense of spirit, and to looking forward to more days like this.
i lost the number 40. that small laminated piece of paper with a number on it that you get to safeguard while the baggage counter in the grocery store safeguards your black bag with the purple and green dolphins where you had to put your beloved water container. i lost it.
if you know me, you know that's not something that usually happens to me. but tonight it did, and i was so overwhelmed by fear (if someone else claims my things i'll never see my dolphins again), guilt (oh no they're going have to have another number 40 made) and utter disappointment in myself (such irresponsibility).
i didn't even know it was the number 40 until the man in the black shirt told me, very patiently, as dee and i stormed the baggage counter with raised voices and panicky faces. he was very kind. i thought he was going to test me on what the baggage was, what was in it, yadayada. but he was very calm, and sympathetic, and very understanding, and all he did was get my bag, put it in another spot, and hand me a new number. this time it was number 44 and i kept it snug inside my wallet and inside my bag.
the fee for a lost number was only P50 (which they said i could pay later), which was a sigh of relief in itself, as i did not have to sacrifice my dinner, which i had been looking forward to all afternoon. still the guilt was endlessly gnawing at me for having lost the laminated blue piece of paper with the number 40 on it.
my P50 never made it out of my wallet, as the guy who was at the baggage counter told me that black shirt man said it was all okay. i insisted, of course, as the guilt was now ever gnawing at my insides, but, after speaking to black shirt man, he said he believed it to be an accident, and that it was okay, and wished me a good evening. i thanked him and left, with a surprisingly light heart that drowned out the gnawing guilt and all the frustrations of the day.
i could have easily afforded the fifty bucks, and he could have just accepted it and i could have left with no feelings of guilt whatsoever. but he chose to send me off, nonethepoorer, with some guilt left, but with a much needed boost.
in not making me pay P50, black shirt man taught me that there are still people who readily trust other people, even if they lose numbers. he also showed me that money isn't everything, and that numbers can easily be replaced. and more importantly, he gave me hope that my much ridiculed idealism is not such a crazy thing to aspire for, and that i should just continue to work towards that, because there are people like him. no matter how rare, they exist, and contribute to making the world a better place. at least to those few who experience terrible days and lose number 40's along the way.
i do not know him at all for me to pass a judgment on him. but i appreciated the simple act he did for me and would like to write of it to preserve it my memory - as a reminder, that the simple things we do may mean mountains to other people.
mr. boy samson, i thank you for trusting, for understanding, for still allowing my stuff to be kept safe, and for not taking my P50. you saved me so much more than just the money. i am deeply grateful for that. and i am terribly sorry about losing number 40. i did, however, return number 44 safe and sound.
p.s. i hope someone returns number 40, if they find it.
here's to a renewed sense of spirit, and to looking forward to more days like this.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
GOALS
i told dee yesterday that i have this big, BIG feeling that i will become famous.
HAHA.
yes. even after all the shit i've found myself in, my dreams of becoming the next big thing appear to not have even dampened or wilted, contrary to what i so thought a few months ago.
i guess i've realized i just need a few more goals to drive at. the past few months were a tough bunch and i really did struggle to get by them. i've been having so many rough patches lately that i'm beginning to forget what the smooth road feels like, especially since every new rough patch leaves an unforgettable mark on my ass.
be that as it may, i have now started making goals for myself again.
benito (my laptop) 's untimely passing on left me a lot more incapacitated than i thought. i haven't been able to use CAD as much, or photoshop my face, check my emails, play on facebook and google silly things. i also havent been able to do research, organize my thoughts, or look for inspiration in the form of josh duhamel.
i've come to accept the fact that my parents wont be giving me anything more than food and lodging from this point on, which is fine, if i had a job that paid well, but i dont, so that pretty much means i have to work my ass of to get a benito jr. which i will need to get my life back and introduce order and a sense of fulfillment to my now chaotic and monotonous existence.
still though, if there's anything i've learned these past few months, it's that you just gotta make it work until you can afford to lose it/replace it/break it/say "in your face" to it.
and that's where goal setting has come in handy for me.
it feels nice to be driving at something. it feels weird to be driving at something with no assurance of anything when you get there, but sometimes, just being out driving is kinda enough already.
at least until you can afford a helluva lot of gas and drive to wherever you wanna go.
but for now, i'm fine right here. soon enough the road will be smooth again and i'm pretty sure my ass will be just fine.
and after that, i'll be famous.
HAHA.
HAHA.
yes. even after all the shit i've found myself in, my dreams of becoming the next big thing appear to not have even dampened or wilted, contrary to what i so thought a few months ago.
i guess i've realized i just need a few more goals to drive at. the past few months were a tough bunch and i really did struggle to get by them. i've been having so many rough patches lately that i'm beginning to forget what the smooth road feels like, especially since every new rough patch leaves an unforgettable mark on my ass.
be that as it may, i have now started making goals for myself again.
benito (my laptop) 's untimely passing on left me a lot more incapacitated than i thought. i haven't been able to use CAD as much, or photoshop my face, check my emails, play on facebook and google silly things. i also havent been able to do research, organize my thoughts, or look for inspiration in the form of josh duhamel.
i've come to accept the fact that my parents wont be giving me anything more than food and lodging from this point on, which is fine, if i had a job that paid well, but i dont, so that pretty much means i have to work my ass of to get a benito jr. which i will need to get my life back and introduce order and a sense of fulfillment to my now chaotic and monotonous existence.
still though, if there's anything i've learned these past few months, it's that you just gotta make it work until you can afford to lose it/replace it/break it/say "in your face" to it.
and that's where goal setting has come in handy for me.
it feels nice to be driving at something. it feels weird to be driving at something with no assurance of anything when you get there, but sometimes, just being out driving is kinda enough already.
at least until you can afford a helluva lot of gas and drive to wherever you wanna go.
but for now, i'm fine right here. soon enough the road will be smooth again and i'm pretty sure my ass will be just fine.
and after that, i'll be famous.
HAHA.
Monday, July 13, 2009
choices.
there are some choices that are easy to make. some not so, and some so completely and totally hard that you will spend so many sleepless nights and waste so many hours just trying to make up your mind and convincing yourself that what you're choosing is indeed the right choice.
what-ifs and if-onlys will always be around. no matter what you choose, you can never escape a certain amount of regret and a few ounces of wishfullness over the choice that you had to let go.
choices.
why the hell are there so many of them?
what-ifs and if-onlys will always be around. no matter what you choose, you can never escape a certain amount of regret and a few ounces of wishfullness over the choice that you had to let go.
choices.
why the hell are there so many of them?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
i have no POWER
when a crane accidentally drops things on moving cars and power lines that cut electricity in nearby buildings, it has to be expected that certain things - especially things that require technological gadgets such as computers, printers, scanners, etc. - cannot be done.
and it also has to be accepted that no matter how freaking smart i am or how terribly resourceful i can be, that i have no POWER, and that i cannot just find that and pick it up under the table or on the street or even in the nearby mall and make it possible for a PC to work. because i cannot just magic files into existence. i am still just human.
and no matter what suggestions are made, like dismantling the CPU (and possibly damaging the entire system) or drawing things freehand (all in a matter of 20minutes) or serving OT (til late without assurance that the power will come back) --- sometimes, it is just better to accept that certain things are out of our control.
that is one major thing, i know now, that makes me want to say yes to other opportunities despite the risks i may have to take.
this is weird coming from someone as egoistic as me, but please. learn some humility. not every effin' thing can go your way.
especially if your way is the disorganized, no-sense-of-urgency-or-concept-of-planning-ahead-by-even-the-simple-act-of-buying-a-UPS kind of way.
SERIOUSLY.
and it also has to be accepted that no matter how freaking smart i am or how terribly resourceful i can be, that i have no POWER, and that i cannot just find that and pick it up under the table or on the street or even in the nearby mall and make it possible for a PC to work. because i cannot just magic files into existence. i am still just human.
and no matter what suggestions are made, like dismantling the CPU (and possibly damaging the entire system) or drawing things freehand (all in a matter of 20minutes) or serving OT (til late without assurance that the power will come back) --- sometimes, it is just better to accept that certain things are out of our control.
that is one major thing, i know now, that makes me want to say yes to other opportunities despite the risks i may have to take.
this is weird coming from someone as egoistic as me, but please. learn some humility. not every effin' thing can go your way.
especially if your way is the disorganized, no-sense-of-urgency-or-concept-of-planning-ahead-by-even-the-simple-act-of-buying-a-UPS kind of way.
SERIOUSLY.
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